Always Knew
by Pilgrimage
Summary: Clare reflects on Eli after the accident.


_A/N: I normally don't ship Eclare. But, strangely enough, I was inspired by the episode where Clare discovers Eli is a hoarder. I also listened to The Sweet Hurt's Always Knew._

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><p><strong>Always Knew <strong>

Clare always prided herself on her neatness. There was a certain thrill that no one would understand about putting things in order; she wanted books placed alphabetically on shelves, notes had to be legible and highlighted according to their importance, and her clothing had to be iron-pressed before each use. She even reveled at the chance to schedule her days around school, prayer, and friends like Alli and…

Of course, not everything was perfect. It began with little things at first. Her parents began to squabble a lot more frequently over dinner some weeks ago, which led her to suddenly play the role of mediator. This sometimes overlapped into her homework sessions, and then this cut down time on her nightly prayer intentions and her goodnight phone conversations with…

She sighed, knowing where her thoughts were leading to. She couldn't understand _him_. Wasn't it hard enough that her parents cornered her for talks about splitting her attention and weekends between them after the divorce would become finalized? Wasn't it hard enough that she was questioning her beliefs and all she knew about her faith? Why? WHY? _Why_ did he have to hoard his belongings? Why did he have to kill Morty? Why did he force her to leave?

"URGH!" She had to let out. She had been keeping that in along with those thoughts since she left home just an hour ago, though she had been thinking them in small doses for a while. At least they weren't bigger doses all the time, she thought, because this would make her feel even guiltier for expecting perfection from others.

Thankfully, she was alone for this outburst. In fact, she couldn't feel more alone here... She was sitting on a stone slab in the middle of familiar church ruins of which she frequented more and more in the past few weeks. This fact made her want to scream again. Why did she feel the need to come here of all places? Weren't the thoughts that occupied her during school and at home enough? Her eyes moved towards a makeshift hammock in the distance, where it stayed unoccupied and as lonely as she was.

She was afraid of the answer of course. She had been avoiding it since she visited Eli in the hospital. Sometimes she would remember the night of the accident in fragments; remembering all of it made her nauseous. _Oh God_, she found him in bed, torn, worn, and completely helpless. Though he was already free of blood stains and any of bodily damage done to him was covered in bandages and casts, she could only see a terrible mess. It was easy to leave then. She was scared, so scared for him and for herself. But, as she sat where she was sitting in the unusually cold summer night air, she knew the reason she came to the same spot every night was to stop herself from visiting Eli. She had no idea why it helped, but she knew it to be the half point from her home to his bed in room 2103. She never passed the half point, and she told herself that this was as far as she'd go. Her eyes flitted towards the hammock again.

Truth be told, and no matter how many things that reminded her of the disdain she felt towards disorder, she wanted to be in that hammock, talking about everything or anything trivial, with him. There was nothing neat or appropriate about this thought, and yet, she knew it was something she wanted so badly right now.

"URGH!" She couldn't stop herself.

There goes another _teensy-weensy, insignificant_ thing to fall under the category of things utterly uncertain, she thought. Then, as if this thought triggered an impulse within her, she decided the night was already wasted debating over something she already knew deep down. She flipped her phone open, and dialed the number she always dialed around this time of the night for the past several months.

"Hello?" came his weary, raspy voice.

She felt her breath hitch and hands trembling, and before she let her imprisoned breath out she closed her phone shut.


End file.
